FIRST BLOG POST! 🙂
What a journey it has been to get here! Have you ever started something new?
Then you understand the rollercoaster I’ve just been through… Change can be very scary. Here is how I navigate change and lessons learned.
Why is change or starting something new so hard?
It’s a natural instinct to resist change as we believe we will lose something of value or fear we will not be able to adapt to the new conditions. We tend to feel emotionally threatened as tapping into the unknown reduces our levels of safety and security, which is one of our basic needs (as per Maslow’s Pyramid). When we make significant changes in our daily routines, change jobs, start new projects, have babies, get married or divorced, we are tapping into the unknow.
Some of the initial feelings are fear, sadness, joy, excitement and even sexual excitement..
These core emotions are brilliant! If we get out of their way, they push us to adapt through life, almost as nature's pre-programing of human being.
Core emotions are primarily physical sensations that we come to recognize and name as a particular emotion. Core emotions are hard-wired in us, meaning they are NOT subject to conscious control.
We can then have blocking emotions, such as shame, anxiety and guilt, which inhibit us to move forward. They are normally caused due to conflict between what you want and what pleases others (ex: parents, peers, cultural norms). When these feelings become too intense, our mind and body shuts down to protect us from emotional overwhelming.
In many cases we appeal to defense mechanisms to avoid feelings. Some of the most common are: depression, joking, sarcasm, too much screen-time, criticizing, spacing out, procrastination, preoccupation, negative thinking, misguided aggression, working too much, over-exercising, sex, over-eating, under-eating, obsession, addiction, and many more.
How to navigate change and all feelings it brings?
The Change Triangle is a great map that helps me navigate my feelings and move forward.
When an event or situation causes you to distress, to be off-balance or you are going through changes, your first step questions you should ask are:
- Where you are on The Change Triangle: defense, inhibitory, or core emotion?
- Where you want to go? …clockwise around The Change Triangle through core emotions, which inherently provide guidance to peace, perspective, or solution.
The Change Triangle is a place I turn to in that immediate moment when something in my environment, something within myself, or someone causes me to experience emotional struggle ie, when I am triggered.
As soon as you figure out “where I am on The Triangle,” you will feel better for two reasons:
Just from gaining some distance and perspective from your immediate feeling;
From having some direction of what to do to help yourself feel better.
That’s why phycologists always tell you to say “I feel ….(name the feeling)… when …(situation)…”.
Here are the basic steps to successfully navigate change:
- Identify which corner you most closely find yourself.
- Pause, breathe and calm yourself for a few seconds, at least.
- Try to name all the underlying core emotions coming up in the moment. There may be more than one. Name each one you can.
- Listen without judging to what the emotion is telling you. Be curious!
- Think through the best way to proceed at the moment.
For me, the journey started from a moment of sadness due to a change in my work-life. It evolved to lots of anxiety, procrastination and too much screen-time. I had so many ideas and plans that excited me and could help me move forward, but I never could get myself to start anything. I didn’t know where to start or I wanted it to be perfect from the beginning not allowing it to grow organically.
With some guidance and support to navigate this change, I slowly started to make small alterations in my daily routine that had a big impact on my overall wellbeing in just few days. I was able to let go from outside opinions, make my goals and shape my life how I want it to be. I found myself again and the courage to just start somewhere.
What’s the new thing you are starting and how are you feeling about it?
Great books for further reading and support on this topic are:
